***Perverted Paraphernalia***



1: Personality Test

2: Oreo Psychology- True or not?

3: Have You Ever Felt Really Dumb?

4: Job Ad Phrases Defined

5: A Note From the Editor

Personality Test

Here is a REALLY true and cool link to a personality test, it is serious, but odd because of how true it is!

Personality Test

Oreo Psychology

Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:

1. The whole thing at once

2. One bite at a time

3. Slow and methodical nibbles, examining the results of each bite afterwards

4. In little feverous nibbles

5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...)

6. Twisted apart, the creme inside, then the cookie

7. Twisted apart, the creme inside, and toss the cookie

8. Just the cookie, not the creme inside

9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.

10. I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreos.

If you have selected your answer, read on to see what your answer says about your personality:

1. The whole thing

This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with their children.

2. One bite at a time

You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's ok, not to worry, you're normal.

3. Slow and Methodical

You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with everything you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit!

4. Feverous Nibbles

Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental break-downs run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.

5. Dunked

Every one likes you because you are always up-beat. You like to sugar-coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity toward narcotic addiction.

6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie

You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.

7. Twisted apart, eat the inside, then toss the cookie

You are good at business and take risks that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You tend to be greedy and self-centered. You should be ashamed of yourself! But that's ok, you don't care anyway.

8. Just the cookie, not the inside

You enjoy pain.

9. Lick them, not eat them

Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional help - immediately!

10. Don't like Oreo cookies

You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to up-scale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prima donna. There's just no pleasing you!

Now that you have read this, which are you? Do you believe the results?

Have You Ever Felt Really Dumb?


Linda Burnett, 23, was visiting her in-laws, and while there
went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people
noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her
eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

One customer who had been at the store for a while became
concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were
now open, and she looked very strange.

He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot
in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an
hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because
the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread
dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded
from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the
wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.

When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and
thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly
recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone
noticed and came to her aid.

And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

The moral of this story, well one of the morals of this story is, "Don't worry, you are never as dumb as you feel...unless you are a blonde named Linda." :-)

*For all known purposes, if this letter is ever read by a blonde named Linda, don't sue me for damages, relax and laugh.

Job Ad Phrases Defined

This is being written in here in dedication to all the teenagers and otherwise unskilled students/people/whatever who will be looking for jobs this summer (myself included). Remember this when looking for a job!

Advancement opportunity:

Crap job.

Entry level:
Really crap job.

No experience necessary:
The mother of all crap jobs.

Administrative assistant:
Crap job with a title.

Ground floor opportunity:

Crap job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year.

Progressive company:
Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday.

Team player:
Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities.

Upbeat personality:
Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug & alcohol rehab benefit within the first year.

Word processing skills essential:

There's a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future.

Public relations:


Professional appearance important:
$20,000/yr job that requires a $100,000/yr wardrobe

Pleasant telephone manner:
Be the voice of 1-900-HOT-GIRLS

Salary range $24,000 to $32,000:
The salary is $24,000

Jeans job!
Minimum wage temp job in concentration camp conditions.

Will train:
Prior conviction of a felony or two no problem.

B.A. required, master's preferred:

Must be an M.A. willing to work on a B.A.'s salary

Civil service:
This job was filled from the inside six months ago.

Outstanding benefits package:
Health insurance.

Tons of variety!
We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do & rolled them into one job.

Top-notch communication skills:
Telemarketing (bothering people over the phone while they are eating dinner)

Beautiful offices in attractive location:
Brand new ticky-tacky windowless building where the picture frames all match the carpeting.

Woman-only job with the responsibilities of management & wages of a migrant worker.

Executive secretary:
The most powerful position in the company

You're looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week from now until we force you into early retirement.

Salary commensurate:
We'll pay you whatever the hell we feel like.

Salary negotiable:
We'll take the lowest bidder.

Competitive salary:
We'll pay you up to 10% more than your last job and not one penny more.

Competitive starting salary:
Ten cents above minimum wage.

Pleasant atmosphere:
A staff of pod people.

Professional atmosphere:
Zombie pod people.

Fun, creative atmosphere:
Pod people from hell.

Dynamic atmosphere:
Zombie pod people from hell.

A Note From the Editor

Well, I have so much to tell you, where should I start? Well I have 3 things to tell you all, the first is about my "" page update, the second is about my bud Eric's newsletter, and the third is a note to y'all (you all to those who aren't from St. Mary's county and/or any hick/redneck-ridden region of the USA) who have submitted articles.

First of all, The Realm of the Mad. Well I have updated again with so MANY small things and some large ones. You definitely need to check it out! I have updated my home page (The Realm of the Mad) EXTREMELY, it now looks a lot nicer because it has frames now. I alsocreated an Army of Darkness Page (if you don't know what AOD is click on it and find out!), I have created a whole LOT of pages about the Linux OS (operating system, and if you don't know what I am talking about, click on it to find out). I am working on a page for my favorite band of all time RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE, it looks cool but I still have lots to do, so it's not up yet. I also have created a page for the Best Movies OF ALL Time, and that is up. I have updated my Funny Stuff page to include some stuff on Jerry Seinfeld and the show Seinfeld. Along with MILLIONS of other changes! Please appreciate it and donate all your time to browsing it!

Secondly, my bud Eric has a great newsletter too and if you would like to to check out his page, you can go here to see it.

Everyone who has submitted an article, thanks, I am currently reviewing them to be put in the next editon.



Your Editor-in-Chief:

Christopher S. Berg aka The Mad Hatter of Scotland